I heard the whispers that lead me…

August 30, 2011

When I first became a Muslim I had already learned a few things, not an easy task with out help from those you new to be Muslims or reverted already.


I came from a non practices Christian back ground and by non practices I mean they celebrated the Christian holidays, wore cross’s and yelled many slogans as id like to call them like halleluiah, praise Jesus and the favorite was you’ll go to hell unless you get Jesus in your life.

My knowledge of Islam as I new it to be since I was a young teen was only of the Nation of Islam where as they preached only racist hatred, assonated Malcolm X, and sold bean pies… not my idea of a religion per say.


I remember when I was very small going to church and Sunday school with my grandmother, but most of my understanding of Christianity was of elder black people who were of different denominations, Baptist, Lutheran, and Jehovah witnesses…By the time I was starting into my teen years life had come to a low for me and I found life in learning more of religion from elder neighbors there thoughts and beliefs, asking questions, and wondering why my family had this distant realm from religion in general. My father was an atheist though in a year after I reverted he had stated he had been looking into it due to illness’s, age and so on… weather or not he found it before his death I have no idea as many times I tried to reach him he was never there,


I had at times tried to get myself and kids into churches, finding there was always a part in it I could not tolerate such as asking questions that they had no answers’, for that resulted in being told to leave or calling me a blasphemies’, hell monger or other things in general that were not nice simply because they as ministers and preachers had no answers. So I stopped attending and went on to my life.


I had many experiences that kept pulling me back towards God I feel, very strange things many may think as untruth or odd but they were things I could not explain.

When I needed to go and fix my personal income for my children my son age 3 and new born daughter I had left them to my sister in law who lived up stairs from me and went to do what I needed to do.

When I was waiting to be called for my appt, I had a feeling of some thing real wrong had happened, sick inside and my head started to hurt and I called my daughters father from the pay phone where  he was frantic and I heard a siren and he said my son had been hurt I ran home wail he searched for me by car

When my son was about 4yr due to his accident the year before he had developed a hem Tomah after pulling his dresser on top of him self on his head and the Dr showed me in a Kat scan that part of his skull was missing and told me it was my sons brain protruding out in a bump on his head. So they wanted to operate and my mom told me to go home and see to my daughter wail he was in surgery, so I left and after a bit I climbed up to the roof of the garage and sat thinking why? And I felt a hand touch my shoulder and some one telling me to go back to the hospital he was not ill and was fine so I got scared at first and thought my mind was playing tricks on me so I heard it again so I went back to the hospital and as I got there my mom asked me why I was there and the Dr came out stating there was no hole only a blood clot outside of his skull and that the Kat scan must of had a problem…

There were many things like when my daughter almost drowned I was in a car feeding my infant and though I didn’t hear any yelling some one or thing told my go or she will die, so I looked up to see the boat had turned over and though I could not swim and had on a dress that became very heavy in the water I was able to get out to her and hold her out of the water almost drowning myself till some one grabbed us both and pulled us in

I can only thank Allah for these things as with out his whispers to me id never of known the links between Allah and the life of my children


Things like this drew me closer to Allah, where family suppressed me in it calling me ignorant and spending to much time to neighbors over foolishness as they didn’t no what I had been learning


My life became more towards work earning a living to raise my kids and Allah became less and the less I thought of him the worse my life became. I finally had, had enough and left that life looking for truth.


My son was the 1st to revert to Islam and told me of real Islam, but he never helped me past that point. I learned the rest from strangers on net, as by then 911 had accrued and there was no getting lessons in the Masjids or Islamic studies only hatred on the streets.


I reverted soon after 911 listening again to the whisper of some thing dreadful was going to happen and id be safer giving my life to Allah so in October 2001 I reverted to Islam


It has not been a easy way, and I have driven myself far with out lessons and classes to learn and gain knowledge despite having family members say things like I was a suicide bomber in training, a child killer and a fool .

After being pushed away by my family since I was a child I finally got to a point in 2002 I had enough of being alone and only wanted by family members on their terms, there need of me, to talk to in dirty ways or blame me for things the other family members did like there sexual preferences, or playing mind games to get me to do things they felt I should to a point of even losing my grand children for over 3yrs.. I regret that time most in my heart as it drove me to a point that had not Allah pulled me back I had many times came close to taking my own life.


I have to give credit to a very good brother I met in 2002 who despite his youth taught me so much and steered me in the right direction to where I am today, and yet still this young man who had referred to me as his on line mother and was my friend, teacher, and influencer guided me to the right things I needed to understand Quran, Hadiths and sharia in the way it was written and lived by the prophet pbuh and the Sahaba, May Allah be pleased with them all


Life has not gotten any much easier with my family, still at odds especially in the fact I made hijrah to my husbands country, and though I have had recently been able to go back to a country where I despise the government, and hatemonger’s to visit them there words dug deep in me wail being told to go stay to that one, because we have our dog and pork, and you have the same religion, or take off your ninja cover or go to stay to another family member and so on.. I decided why put myself through that and end up walking out dragging luggage and all to the streets looking for a hotel that ill be refused to stay in and make it a miserable visit.

It’s been 7yrs since I have visited them, they didn’t visit me only one of them did in 2003. Never have they offered to send me to visit any of them its all in there words of me, me, me, I, I, I, us, us, us, but never was it you,


So as I still try and learn, live my Islamic life in a country I can just get by in due to lack of the Arabic language I still say Alhumduillah for this life that Allah has given me compared to my life before as a non believer


I pray anyone who reads this will think about how harsh people can be to people they say they love in words only, and how it can not just drive a wedge between them but actually drive them away


This is for Mohammed my little brother, my your life always be blessed by Allah for all your good deeds, Ameen


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